


The Alchemy of Q

by xphil98197



Category: 00Q - Fandom, James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: 00Q - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Magic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 15:09:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4396688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphil98197/pseuds/xphil98197
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because what would happen if Q could do Magik?</p><p>To my fantastic writing partner, LauraRose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Alchemy of Q

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LauraRose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LauraRose/gifts).



Q never made much of a fuss about his life before MI6. He stayed quiet about his family, and didn’t participate in conversations about religion. 

He was appointed Q right before the whole Skyfall incident, and during the aftermath, no one paid much attention to their new Quartermaster. When one of the minions tripped on the crystal grid in his office, Q didn’t offer an explanation. 

Mallory was a bit puzzled the early morning he came down to the basement and Q branch smelled like sage. But the tech kids down there were a new generation, and they confused him in general, so he chalked it up to another thing they learned from their video games. 

It all came to a head when 007 came storming into Q branch after a mission. Not that anyone expected Bond to have tact, after all, but it made everyone realize that had never questioned the idiosyncrasies that were their new Quartermaster. 

“What in the bloody hell is on my gun?” Bond shouted. “It smells like a hippy. How am I supposed to eliminate a target when they can smell me coming two blocks away. You are just lucky I noticed this BEFORE I left.” 

“Its frankincense,” Q retorted. “Stop being dramatic 007, its for your protection.”

“My protection?” Bond was incredulous. “We are going to talk about this right now.” He took Q’s elbow and manhandled him to his office. Bond almost lost his balance on the same crystal grid that had tripped the minion. “What in the FUCK is going on here?”

“Magik, 007,” Q sighed. “Or alchemy, if you prefer?”

“Quartermaster, I thought I was the one that drank too much.”

“I don’t drink, Bond,” Q shook his head. “What are you going on about?”

“There is smelly stuff on my gun, rocks on your floor,” Bond looked ready to snap. “And Q branch smells like-”

“Yes?” Q’s voice was amused.

“It smells like fucking sage!”

“Do you prefer to do cleansings with santo palo? Grandma always used sage, but I suppose I could try that instead,” Q mused.

“Oh my god, I’ve lost my fucking mind,” Bond shook his head. “I left my house for MI6, and I have landed at fucking Hogwarts.”  
“Harry Potter is fiction, 007,” Q was getting frustrated. “What on earth is wrong with you? Have you really never met a Witch before?”

“A witch? Oh my god, I think I need to check myself into psych,” Bond felt his own forehead. “I came back to the wrong universe after my last mission.”

“Everything we think of as magik is just another dimension that hasn’t been discovered yet, like sub atomic particles,” Q explained, as if he were lecturing a small child. “Things like colors, planetary properties, they can all be used to manipulate things on another plane. Like radio and light waves are just different frequencies of the same type of wave.” 

“Oh god,” Bond pulled at his hair. “I- I can’t deal with this right now. I have a flight to catch. But we are going to discuss this when I get back Quartermaster!” The door slammed behind him.

***00Q***

Q stayed in Bond’s ear for the mission, as he always did. None of the minions referred to the argument between he and 007, although one did ask if he would be willing to help them cleanse their apartment on the weekend. Q agreed, and offered to supply the tea.

By the time Bond came back, the minions had taken to color coordinating cardigans with Q, based on the planetary symbol for the day. As one minion had pointed out, it made the 00 agents a lot more cooperative. 

Bond put his gun care down on the desk, and backed away, shaking his head. “Maybe if I tap my heels three times,” he muttered. “Can’t hurt.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.” He opened his eyes to see the purple cardigined minions and Q watching him oddly. 

“007, are you alright?” Q asked, with concern. “I can make you some tea-”

“NO!” Bond yelled. “Keep your witchy poison away from me!” He left Q branch in a hurry.

“Overlord, 007 seems a bit off,” one minion ventured. “Maybe you should feng shui his apartment as well.”

***00Q*** 

“I think it's perfect, the color suits me,” Eve twirled in a circle. “I just have to remember which day it is. But I did it right today, correct? Today is Tuesday, red.”

“That’s right Miss Eve,” one of the minions chimed in. Said minion had on a red cardigan, with red high tops and a red pom pom hat. “But what a lot to remember, to change your nail polish every day. What have you decided to do about lipstick for Friday? Are you going with pink? I can’t decide how to integrate green.”

“What in the hell?” Bond walked into Q Branch. “You got her in on it too? I thought you were the one with some sense around here, Miss Moneypenny!”

“Never too late to learn something new, 007,” Eve winked at Bond. “It got me a date on Friday, and a second one tonight.”

“You’ve got bloody legs to your neck, don’t you think that might have had something to do with it?” Bond shook his head. “You have all gone mad. How did I possibly miss the mental decline of the entire of MI6 being gone for only three days?”

“Really, 007,” Q admonished. “Such theatrics. I made you a new pair of cuff links, its very important you keep them on during the mission. And do be careful when you get back to your apartment, I made a few improvements.”

“These cuff links look like some sort of crystal hoodoo,” Bond looked suspicious. "And what sort of improvements?"

“Just a few minor things, 007,” Q waved him off. “Nothing to worry about.”

***00Q***

007 unlocked his apartment door, afraid of what he would find. Q was always threatening to upgrade his security system, and he was afraid that this was the one time he had finally made good on that threat.

His key still worked, which he took as a good sign. But when he opened the door, he wondered for a minute if he had the right apartment. The book case was in view of the door, with a sign that said “Make sure your home encourages learning. Put books where you can see them when you come in the front door to stimulate learning”.

007 went to put his keys on his entryway table, but in its place was a fountain, with a note “Place an energetic fountain near your front door. The flowing energy of the water symbolizes cash, which helps more of the green stuff come your way. Get ready to enjoy more cash flow and connections with key people thanks to this simple cure.” He shook his head and decided that it was time for food.

When Bond went into the kitchen, it was clean, and his fridge was free of the usual leftover takeout containers. Instead, there was another of the now infamous notes : “Clear Out Your Clutter. Clutter clearing is a time-and energy-consuming process that will feel like therapy. Do not skip this step, as it is an essential one in creating harmonious house feng shui energy.”

He decided that meant it was time for a bit of target practice. He was done with his rearranged flat, and definitely done with cheerfully colored notes. He went into the bedroom to get his pistol and take out some of his frustrations- but there was his wooden entertainment center, directly over the trapdoor where he kept his gun. And another of those damn notes: “If your need to improve your health, you will place lush wood feng shui element items, such as plants or pieces of wood furniture in the East area. Spice up your love life with three or nine new plants in your bedroom to enliven the energy of the room, adding hope and cheer.” And sure enough, he counted three new bundles of bamboo, each in its own container, with nine stalks each.

“Hi, Q, this is 007,” Bond counted to ten while he waited for the man to respond on the phone. “Yes, I did see my apartment. I was under the impression you were going to make security upgrades… hmmm… feng shui…. yes, I know what that is. No, it does NOT help me with home security. Thank you, Quartermaster. Yes, I will see you tomorrow.” Bond shook his head and decided to call it an early night. Except the Scotch was nowhere to be found.

***00Q***

“But Q, I already have suits in these colors,” Bond argued. “Bespoke suits from Savile Row.”

“007, these are safer suits,” Q straightened his glasses. “They offer additional protection. Your Savile Row suits cannot offer you this kind of protection.”

“Did you hear that Minions?” Bond laughed. “Q made me a bulletproof suit.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, 007,” Q scoffed. “A suit like that doesn’t exist. But do return the equipment in one piece.”

***00Q***

“Q, I just got shot in the chest,” Bond tried to catch his breath and reach Q over the comms link. “Q, how did I get shot in the chest and my suit and I are fine?”  
“I keep trying to tell you, but you won’t listen.”

***00Q***

“So Q, the filet mignon is very good,” Bond purred.

“Flattery will NOT get you an exploding pen, 007.”

“What other sort of… magical enhancements are you capable of?”

“Your ego is large enough, we don’t need any other parts of you to grow as well.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the following links for the Feng Shui info:
> 
> http://fengshui.about.com/od/glossaryofterms/ss/Feng-Shui-Basics-Create-Good-Feng-Shui-Home.htm
> 
> http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/feng-shui-for-dummies-cheat-sheet.html
> 
> Great idea for a Witchy Q look: http://auroaronkitten.deviantart.com/art/The-Witch-s-Son-265624629


End file.
